(tongue-firmly-in-cheek)
As you are no doubt aware, browsing porn at work has gotten more difficult lately, which has driven worker satisfaction, and subsequently the economy way down the drain. Microsoft, which has always been known for their great enterprise-focused products and services, has yet again stepped up to the plate to save the world from this latest recession. Former Microsoft nerd-extraordinaire and present-day mosquito-hater-supreme Bill Gates on Thursday announced the concrete steps Microsoft was taking across the board with its product lineup to help give the economy the porn-powered push it needs to go back up. He laid out the specifics of this plan as follows:
1. Operating System: The upcoming version of Microsoft's most widely used product, Windows 7 will include a feature specifically designed to aid porno-browsing on the sly. Aero Peek enables the sex-starved average office-worker to quickly hide the online devilry he/she is consuming when the boss-man walks around, and just as quickly return to it when the boss-man leaves.2. Web Browser: To further help the above-mentioned office-worker in hiding his/her sinful activities, Internet Explorer 8 includes InPrivate mode, which ensures that no records of said activities are stored on the worker's PC.3. Security Suite: Security Essentials, a soon-to-be-available anti-viral solution by Microsoft will further prevent the office-worker's PC from being infected when he/she is lured by the promise of Olivia Munn's nude tatas into downloading 3£.7r0j4n.h0rr1b£3 [disclaimer: Microsoft reminds you that Security Essentials does not protect your from HIV/HSV/HPV]4. Video Search: Bing, the decision engine, NOT BY M$ (Microsoft recently added this phrase to the tagline after extensive testing using real Apple/Google fanbois in a carefully controlled lab environment showed a tremendous increase in usage share), allows our office-worker to skirt around web-filters at his/her workplace and view quick, concentrated porno-video snippets directly in the search results. To further simplify this process these videos will now be available at http://explicit.bing.com as well.
Microsoft is confident that these measures will prove to be a shot in the arm for the ailing economy. However, Ballmer jumped in toward the end to assure us that Microsoft would not stop here and would keep innovating. Sources close to Julie Larson-Green revealed that the company was considering including an Aero Voyeur feature in Windows 8, which was vaguely described as "X-ray vision-like" tool that would allow senior office-workers to see their interns underpants discreetly. These same sources have promised us that there is more hot, sweaty news to come from Microsoft in the near future.
